In This Moment: Realizing Your Wholeness

Recently I watched a video clip with a group of 13-14-year-olds in my Language & Literature I course. One of the things the speaker in the video talked about was that as a teen, many get into what I call the “if and when” mindset. This is when our thoughts, projecting into the future, begin with things like;

“If I could just (fill in the blank), then my life will be better.”

“When I (fill in the blank), then life will really be on track.”

This might be things like getting better grades, moving from middle school into high school or from high school into college, being able to drive, getting accepted into a certain college, or even figuring out a field you might want to pursue in college.

The speaker in the video made the point that teens are already a “whole person."

Let that sink in for a moment.

You are already a whole person.

We all are. 

The message was that teens usually begin to have a “what’s next?" thought pattern. This pattern sets up thinking that perpetuates the idea that when I achieve this, or when I move into the next phase of life, THEN I’ll finally be more of a person – a whole person, with a whole life.

This wasn’t even the main point of the video as it had more to do with writing and developing characters for stories. But afterward, I asked the teens what stood out to them from the video. Invariably, it was the idea that they were already “whole.”

The kids in the class talked about not feeling like a whole person unless they were hyper-focused on things that parents and society deem as worthwhile pursuits for a young person; school, grades, sports, college, etc… They felt that their other interests and friendships were sometimes viewed as frivolous and not nearly as important as these other aspects of a teen's life. Even when they had deeper conversations with parents or family members, the conversation most often focused on “what’s next” for them, and advice centered on them not worrying as much about the things they might be feeling or struggling through now. It’ll all pass, and then you’ll be onto the more meaningful parts of your life.

As I listened to them, it hit me that I still live in that “if and when” mindset.

And what’s worse, as a mother of a sixteen-year-old son, I often did the same thing to him.

This was an epiphany moment for me. At 53 years old, my mental focus was constantly on the future and how much better life will be when I get to the next phase – when I can retire, when I can travel, if I move away from the place I’m currently living. Yes, very different concerns than a teen, but still in that mindset of things not being all they could be right now!

For my son, I was on repeat about good grades, staying focused on school, playing video games less, showing more effort and motivation toward baseball, thinking about college, and a question he has no answer to - “What do you want to be when you are an adult?”

All of these things are valid. He does play baseball and hopes to continue to play in college. He’s a good student already and does well nearly all the time, but slips here and there. And he has no idea what he wants to do as a career. As his mother, I feel obligated to redirect his attention to these things. However, I started to mentally take note of whether or not I give him enough credit for being a “whole person” right now. Was I pushing him to live outside the current moment and be so future-oriented that he didn’t feel valid as the person he is right now? Am I teaching him that to be worthy, you must be focused on what you can next accomplish in life?

Research has shown how connected gratitude is to overall mental health. But it struck me that it is extremely difficult to feel grateful when you also feel like you are not enough.

Sitting here, the day before Thanksgiving, I reflect on when I am truly the most grateful. It is not when I accomplish something or am doing the things I’m “supposed to be” doing. Deep gratitude for me has been simple moments. Moments when I quietly walked with someone hand in hand, feeling the warmth of the sun under a bright blue sky. Driving home with a smile on my face after a great time with family or friends. The feeling after a meaningful conversation with someone I care about. Belly laughter. Resting my head on my pillow at the end of the day feeling loved. These are the moments when I experience "wholeness" and gratitude.

That’s not to say that I’m not also grateful for my achievements and finding purpose in my career and work life. Those are things I’m absolutely thankful for as well. But they are not the things that define my entire life’s purpose or bring me peace. They are not the only things in life that make me feel worthy.

Someone once reminded me that the only person on the planet I need to offer unconditional love to is my son. By emphasizing the “if and when” things in life, I realized I placed some unintentional conditions in our relationship. So, with only about 5 weeks left in 2024, I am making a very last-minute resolution; my conversations with my teen son will be different. That’s not to say that we don’t have plans for him to sort out as he rounds the corner to the second half of high school. However, it is a move toward me validating him as whole and worthy just as he is - a gift with the potential to shape not only our relationship moving forward, but how he feels about himself. He is, after all, a wonderfully whole person right now. We all are.