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Last night driving home I heard the Miley Cyrus song that has received a great deal of hype this past year- “I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand, talk to myself for hours, say things you don’t understand…” It got me thinking about Valentine’s Day. We all know that the Christmas holiday season stirs up certain feelings for some people, teens and adults alike- and Valentine’s Day can be the same. Some people love the celebration of love itself and the idea of hearts, flowers, candy, and declarations of love- and while Hallmark might cringe, others experience anxiety, pressure, and a feeling of being “left out” if they aren’t in a romantic relationship.
So listening to the words of Miley’s song last night and pondering how I feel this Valentine’s Day, I was struck with how right Ms. Cyrus is!
I can buy myself flowers (and basically whatever else might bring me joy). This week do something nice for yourself, whatever fits into your time and budget. It doesn’t have to be flowers. It can be a pedicure or manicure alone or with friends, your favorite candy bar, a new hair product, or devote time to self-care. Do for yourself what will bring you joy this week. Remind yourself to treat yourself with love and that you have the power to make your own soul happy.
Write my name in the sand. It is a wonderful, lovely feeling to know that someone (beyond family) has chosen to cherish us. But if that is not the situation you are in right now, put yourself on a pedestal of your own making. Create a list of the things that make you unique, the things you’ve accomplished, and the things you love about yourself. I know it might just sound like something adults say to make not being in a romantic relationship feel less “left out.” However, there is immense truth to the idea of loving yourself before you can truly love someone else. If you currently don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend, working on self-love and self-acceptance will put you in a place where, when a relationship does happen for you, you will be more firmly rooted in who you are. Remind yourself that knowing yourself and developing a strong relationship with yourself is of the highest importance.
Talk to myself for hours. Positive self-talk, positive thinking, and affirmations all build up a positive mindset. Let’s face it, sometimes our mental health suffers deeply when we watch other people around us having feelings and experiences that we are not. Valentine’s Day can be a time when we find ourselves in a mode of comparison. Comparison is a slippery slope and one of the biggest gateways of comparison can be social media. When you are talking to yourself and seeing others experiencing the joy of this holiday, work to change your inner dialog. Replace the self-talk of envy with “Good for her/him!” and strive to mean it. Tell yourself, “Not right now, but someday someone will be perfect for me.” Say to yourself, “This year I’m my own Valentine, and that’s perfectly OK because I have my whole life ahead of me.” Remind yourself of all the amazing things that make you one-of-a-kind!
Say things you don’t understand. This line of the song can be interpreted in a variety of ways. However, I look at it as a counterargument to jumping into relationships. We might think in a magical, movie-scripted kind of way we will immediately find someone who unconditionally understands us. While that does sometimes happen, we may likely find the exact opposite. Even relationships that start out feeling magical can become frustrating when we don’t feel understood. There is a lot of pressure in trying to maintain a relationship during your teens while setting and keeping your boundaries. It can also be healthy to recognize the drama you see some of your friends experiencing from the misunderstandings in their boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Remind yourself that it is perfectly alright to wait to be in a relationship when have a clear understanding of yourself, healthy boundaries, and meet someone you trust will strive to understand you.
I think my point is best summed up by a later lyric in the song; “I can hold my own hand, yeah I can love myself better than you can.” Love has many forms. In our society, from movies, television, songs, and even in advertising, we find ourselves believing that a life is more valuable if we find someone to share it with. But we must reinforce the understanding that many types of relationships provide us with partners in life. Our families, our friends, and most especially the one with ourselves. Each morning, no matter where we are, our first conversation is the one in our own heads with ourselves. Each night when your head hits the pillow, the last conversation of the day comes from thoughts in your own mind. Throughout the day we all have countless other moments where we “talk to ourselves.” Cultivate the idea that holding your own hand and loving yourself “better than anyone else can” has value beyond measure.
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